Thursday, October 2, 2014

The (Forgotten) Key Ingredient to Orgasmic Bliss



Wisdom. Compassion. That snake is bound to bite ya. ~ Sean Hayes, "33 Fool"

I feel like I am burning in fire of my own fear. All these little demons pour into my brain and whisper their frightening tales:

You're not good enough
You'll never succeed
You're too old for this
You're no expert

On and on the story goes until I am paralyzed in a sea of negativity.

But I have the (forgotten) key to freedom. And it not only supports me in daily life, but also works wonders in the bedroom:

Compassion

"Seriously?" you ask. "Isn't that some sort of hippy-dippy, Buddhist, spiritual thing?"

Well, yeah! Compassion shows up in Buddhist philosophy, but it's a universal principle that serves all of us.

On the surface compassion is the ability to feels another's suffering and to be moved to alleviate the suffering. But it goes much deeper than that. When you feel yourself in the midst of your own suffering, you invite in healing by acknowledging and loving that part of yourself that is in pain. It reminds us that we are whole and perfect as we are when we have forgotten the steps to the gloriously messy dance of being human.

On a biological level, when we experience compassion, our heart rate slows and stress level decreases, we secrete more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and we activate the parts of the brain that are also connected to empathy, caregiving and feelings of pleasure.

That's right: pleasure.

Often while having sex, our grimy little demons arrive, spewing their poison into our ears (telling us that we are a fat loser, not orgasmic enough or can't last more than five minutes) and cutting us off from pleasure. The usual response is to reach for techniques or masks to cover the tender vulnerability yearning to rise. 

We have been conditioned for achievement and external validation; so we grip harder, run faster or make a hasty retreat from anything that may threaten our fragile little ego's perception of itself. Our climaxes have become trophies that we pass back and forth to each other, reminding us that we are "winners" in the bedroom and that we are "doing a good job."

When we are covering for our own perceived shortcomings, we are blocking and numbing our own capacity to feel, both the pain and the pleasure. Or we become so sensitive that the slightest touch causes us to jump in our skin and do anything to get rid of the sensation (as in premature ejaculation). 

Many of us are lying during sex. We feel we don't deserve what we want, so we don't ask for it. Or we don't know how to communicate it in a way that our partners can hear, understand and easily follow. Or we haven't taken the time to cultivate an awareness of our desires and have no idea for what to ask. 

We don't want to hurt each other's feelings, so we hold back from the truth until we either implode in a barren wasteland of sexlessness or explode in a vitriolic game of blame and victimhood. 

I will tell you this: the best sex I've ever had was when I didn't know what the hell I was doing and I just surrendered to the moment-to-moment unbridled expression emanating from my deepest truth. 

I simply got naked, in every way possible, and revealed the burning treasure within. 

I stopped performing and started feeling.

And when the voices arose, I had compassion for myself. I was honest. I told my lover(s) that I was afraid that I wasn't hot enough for him. I told her that I was afraid that my pussy smelled. I told him I was afraid that I would get too attached and that our relationship would get awkward.

Most of the time, this opportunity for compassion opened the door for my partner's deepest fears and wounds to arise and be witnessed.  The benefit was a level of intimacy that we would have never discovered had we stayed hidden behind our masks. 

And any lover that couldn't accept all of me--well, I tapped into my capacity for compassion and opened my heart wider to their pain (which he or she was obviously trying to mask) and my own feelings of rejection. I blessed them, didn't take it personally (as best I could) and walked away.

Compassion allows us to cast the net of acceptable experiences so wide that everything that arises is not a hindrance to our happiness but an opportunity for evolution. We become erotic alchemists and step into the tantra of everyday life. Every sigh, whisper and moan is born from our erotic truth. We relax our monkey minds, soften into presence and surrender into the delicious, erotic yearning that comes (wink, wink) when we are a "yes" to all of creation. 

This is what it means to truly live an orgasmic life.

So next time you are feeling the need to reach for a technique or solution to your suffering, both in and out of the bedroom, see if you can simply step back and see your situation not as a "problem," but as a chance for greater intimacy. Remember your humanity, find compassionate acceptance and allow the gifts of your heart, hands and genitals to arise in service to your highest calling and deepest desire. 


Monday, September 1, 2014

The Tragedy of Falling in Love



The tragic beauty of falling madly in love with every moment is that you must simultaneously grieve as each second passes. This is the trade-off for opening your heart wider to love: the heart must swell and break within it's own pulsing for you to be fully alive. 

This was my lesson at this year's Burning Man--specifically at the Temple of Grace. The willingness we have to feel even a single teardrop of the world's grief will determine our capacity to receive the world's blessings, which are always here, simply waiting to be acknowledged.

At one point, I saw the faces of the many men I have loved in my life and asked for their forgiveness where I lacked compassion. At another point, I sat before the altar, channeling the Divine Mother, and sang Ho'oponopono, while those around me prostrated in the most reverent and humble prayer. And still at another point, I clutched my Beloved Adam as we sobbed in each others' arms, both in gratitude for our life together and in sadness in its ephemeralness.

I am still learning how to walk with an open heart. I am still learning how to trust the erotic voice quivering within my soul. I am still learning how to be in continued connection within a community where, even after three years, I often feel like I don't quite fit. Please have patience with me as I stumble my way towards Grace.

Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Bless you. Bless you.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Tom Shakti replies to my post "Why I Don't Fuck 'Spiritual Guys'"

Last March, I wrote a piece (originally for Corset Magazine) called "Why I Don't Fuck 'Spiritual Guys'." It definitely caused quite a stir and I received all kinds of comments: people thanking me for exposing these guys; people enjoying the humor; people wondering if I was talking about them; and people downright accusing me of being an angry bitch who couldn't get laid (which was shocking, considering that the latter's names linked back to several yoga retreats--I was expecting a little more "enlightenment" from them).

In any case, meet Tom Shakti, a Sensitive New-Age Guy (SNAG) who was particularly miffed at the piece. In all fairness, I did use a video of him as an example of the type of guy to which I was referring. But he does get a little, shall we say, personal in his criticism of me.

My response? Namaste, Tom...namaste.

Oh, and hey--don't give up. You can always try HippieDates.com.


The Joy of Sucking Cock, PLUS! 3 Delicious Tips to Help You Savor the Feast



I remember the first time I sucked a man’s cock. I was 19 years old and desperate to explore my sexuality (the high school boys always seemed too “immature”).
I’d spent several days anticipating my upcoming tryst with this man and poured over the internet for hours looking for the best ways to give head.
After memorizing what seemed like countless “Top 10” articles, I deemed myself an expert and set out on my mission for fellatio.
The hungry little slut was born.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

How Orgasm Saved My Life

Photo by Jocelyn Marquis
"I thought I was going to die. But the truth was I was coming back to life. My orgasm would no more withstand the capital punishment I’d forced upon her and the harder I tried to hold her down, the louder she would cry. She would not stop until every lie I’d built around me collapsed into a burning pyre at my feet and there was nothing left but…me. Vulnerable. Surrendered. But in my charred nakedness, I discovered that the things I’d been taught to fear were the very things that had set me free."

READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE ON MY TINY SECRETS

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Interview with Mai Vu on "Hot Life Hot Love"

I had a fabulous time with Mai Vu on her show "Hot Life Hot Love." We talked about feminine eroticism and shared some very personal and heartfelt stories about learning to grow up as sexual beings. Have a look below and leave a comment with your questions!

And be sure to visit the crowdfunding campaign for my book and pre-order your copy!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Pre-Order Your Copy of "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism."




Pre-Order Your Copy Here: https://www.dana.io/from-6-to-9

***My Story***

This is the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life.

My name is Candice Holdorf. I am a writer and teacher of sexuality and orgasm. I spent many years of my life in desperate fear of my sexuality. I used anorexia as a way to numb my hunger. I hid behind my ex-husband so I wouldn't have to confront my desire.

Until the day came when I could not go on living as the walking dead. I made a "fear list" and did everything on that list because I wanted to know what was beyond my terror limit.

What I discovered was a woman learning to live in agreement with her own eroticism--which is not always easy given that we live in a society where female sexuality is often reduced to an object to be won, bought, bartered or stolen. 

Thanks to my own practice of connecting to my own innate eroticism, as well as teaching others to connect to their own, I now have access to a deeper truth: as a woman, it is my birthright to know my pleasure, speak my desire and celebrate my sexuality.

This book is more than just a project. It’s my prayer for the planet.

***What is From 6 to 9 and Beyond?***
From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism uses 6 fictional short stories, 9 poems and visionary photography by Seqouia Emmanuelle to capture the erotic awakening of 6 feminine archetypes: The Virgin, The Whore, The Warrior, The Queen, The Nun, The Grandmother.

My mission to shift the way we view sexuality, from sex as commerce to sex as expression of deepest truth.

My book moves beyond the male-gazing pornographic and Harlequin romance novel perspectives of female sexuality and reintroduces the erotic back into sex.

The me, the erotic is a way of living that is infused with joy, wonder and reverence for life. Every moment is an opportunity to tap into that dynamic, pulsing life force we call orgasm.

Welcome to the erotic evolution.

***Where will the money go?***
Our goal of $15,000 for this project will go towards hiring a professional editor, graphic designer and purchasing a publishing package. If we can meet (or exceed!) our stretch goal of $20,000, we can then market the book, pay taxes and cover all the incidental costs that come with producing art.

I will also donate 10% of book sale profits to two organizations: All We Want Is Love, an organization that fights to end sex trafficking and The National Eating Disorders Association. 

http://www.allwewantislove.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org 

***Other Ways You Can Help***
If you can't contribute financially at this time, you can still join the movement! Share this campaign with your friends and post to social media.

As you can see there are lots of ways to participate. If you feel as passionately as I do about healing our relationship to sexuality, we need your help! Your voice, your contributions and your willingness to be a part of this movement are the only way we can make sustainable change.

In love and faith,
Candice Holdorf