The surprising reason why you’re attracted to Mr. Unavailable

By Stan Wiechers from New York - Sadness, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=10411941

Picture this: You’ve scrolled through dozens of men online and finally have a date with someone you’re excited about. He picks you up for dinner, you order Champagne and oysters, have an amazing conversation, then share a passionate kiss at the end of night. Sounds perfect, right?

Fast forward to the next day. You notice yourself thinking only about him—obsessively. You cancel any other plans you may have and text to let him know what an amazing time you had and how you can’t wait to get together again. A day or two passes. You text again. After many agonizing hours of checking your phone, he finally texts, “Yeah that was fun. Thanks for the great night.” You immediately text back asking if he’d like to get together again. He responds that he’s pretty busy this week, but maybe he’ll check in next week.

Next week rolls by—you’ve been counting down the minutes—and you finally cave and text him: “Free this week?” No response. You feel crestfallen at having lost a week of your life to yet another unavailable man. But at least this time it was only a week. Until you meet that next match on Tinder, and the cycle begins again.

If this story seems painfully familiar, you’re not alone. I’ve declined dates with friends just in case Mr. Unavailable decided he wanted to hang out. I waited in the rain one night in my early 20s hoping to catch a glimpse of a guy who hadn’t returned my calls for over a week. And there was even a time in college when an older guy I was hooked on, who had a girlfriend, promised me for weeks that he was going to leave her—before finally asking her to marry him. 

It’s not just me, or you. I’ve talked to hundreds of women caught in the same frustrating loop of excitement and heartbreak that costs them weeks, months, and even years of their lives. Sometimes it isn’t just ghosted dates. Women waste years caught in relationships that don’t go anywhere—hoping that their “love” will be enough to make Mr. Unavailable commit. I’ve seen women lose money, jobs, and friendships because of this addictive cycle.

Wait, addictive? Yes. That crazy cocktail of hormones that sweeps through our bodies when we get romantically attached completely hijacks our logic and intuition. I’m sure you’ve experienced the high when Mr. Unavailable finally texts back, and the agonizing withdrawal when he ghosts or deploys a painful distancing strategy (“I really enjoy hanging with you, but I’m just not looking for a relationship”) that leaves you hungry for another “hit” of his love. Which is why you just can’t quit—even though you know you should get over him, all your friends are begging you to stop seeing him, and your boss is starting to notice you’re distracted at work.

Darling, it’s time to put down the UMC (Unavailable Man Cocktail) and give yourself a heavy dose of rehab. And the first step is realizing that the reason you’re hooked on unavailable men is because—wait for it—you are unavailable yourself!

I can hear your protestations already. You, unavailable? You always text first, make yourself available for dates, offer help and support, tell him you love him. How could that be construed as unavailable?

We often confuse catering to someone’s needs and over-giving with being “available.” But the truth is that centering your life around someone else’s needs and desires makes you unavailable to your own.

Dating and relationship coach, Maya Diamond says, “We cannot be fully available in relationship if we can not fully communicate our needs, requests, and desires.” So if you’re hard-wired to deny your own needs and desires in favor of another, the likelihood of you choosing a man who’s unavailable is going to be pretty high. That’s because an unavailable man—whether he’s emotionally or physically absent—never lets you know where you stand in the relationship. This keeps you focused on managing his ever-changing needs so that you won’t lose him, rather than expressing your own.

But why would you—an intelligent, attractive, open-hearted woman—choose to be with an unavailable man, especially when you have been praying night and day for the relationship that you know you deserve? The surprising reason is that your nervous system feels safer with a man like that than with an available man who can show up for your needs and desires.

Diamond says one reason why it might feel safer being with an unavailable man is you might have “felt overwhelmed or invaded by one or both of your parents. So being with an available person might create that similar feeling of invasion.” This renders you more comfortable attracting unavailable people so that you never have to face that fear of invasion.

Conversely, you may have grown up in an environment where you were shamed or punished when you spoke up for what you needed. Or perhaps you were neglected and felt the sting of rejection. In all these cases, the experience of being emotionally intimate and available simply wasn’t safe. Fast forward 20, 30, 40 years and you now find yourself trapped in a subconscious survival mechanism that screams “DANGER!” anytime an emotionally available man crosses your path.

Again, I know from whence I speak. There was a time in my life—seven long years to be exact—when I shut down my body by starving myself so I wouldn’t have to face those emotional wounds. Through my anorexia, I made myself unavailable—emotionally, physically, and sexually—to men, especially to the available ones, who truly frightened me. It wasn’t until I realized how lonely and unfulfilled I was in every aspect of my life that I knew I had a problem that needed serious attention.

But knowing the problem is only half the battle. Shifting this pattern so that expressing your needs feels safe—in other words, learning secure attachment—requires a lot of time, effort, skill, and a huge leap of faith into the unknown. That’s why putting down the UMC is so hard! You are literally fighting against an addictive neurological wiring that is trying to protect you.

How can you shift this pattern so that being available to your needs while in relationship with a genuinely available man feels safe? Reading books that help you learn the difference between secure and insecure attachment is a great first step. Working with a relationship coach who specializes in helping people create secure attachment and who will hold your feet to the fire when you try to slip back into addictive patterns is a bona fide way to call in a lasting, loving relationship.

One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was how to put myself first. It can seem foreign to women who are used to overgiving in order to prove that they are worthy of love. But selflessness to the point of codependence serves no one. I had to learn to set healthy boundaries, tap into my desire, and ask clearly for what I wanted. I made a list of things that I would not tolerate in a relationship, and stuck to it. And through that process, I started to attract incredible partners into my life. Thanks to the work I had done, I was able to let those partners see me in my vulnerability. Allowing my authentic self to be seen was a huge step in my healing. And even when a relationship didn’t work out, which recently happened, I felt like we both emerged from it as better people.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to kick an addictive pattern. You have to acknowledge the pattern, take responsibility for changing it, excavate the wounds driving it, and finally, replace old, underlying beliefs of unworthiness. From there, you can begin to slowly bring your new skills into the dating world and your relationships with available partners. 

Addressing emotional availability and attachment is no small feat. It requires bravery to plumb the depths of core wounding, heal trauma, and learn new ways to express needs. But when you finally choose to put yourself first and become available to the relationship you know you deserve, your wasted days with the UMC will be a faint bitter taste compared to the sweetness of secure attachment. 

One last note: I’ve written this from the perspective of women chasing after men in heteronormative, monogamous relationships. But attachment wounding—whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—can happen to people of all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship configurations. Whatever your situation, I highly recommend that anyone interested in healthy relating look into how attachment wounding might be affecting you.

Addressing Fake News: Perspectives from Social Psychology

By Shonnmharen - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=82966830

By Shonnmharen - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=82966830

During the pandemic, I have been working towards a Masters degree in psychology. For my social psychology class, I wrote my final paper on the dangers of fake news. Given the current political landscape, I felt it was a timely piece to publish. May it provide insight, understanding, action, and accountability.

Addressing Fake News: Perspectives from Social Psychology, by Candice Holdorf

Written August 1, 2020.

In the age of the Internet, it can seem like one can access the news 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Whether it’s a laptop, a phone, a tablet, or even a smart watch, the world wide web is always available to give people more of what they seem to be craving these days – information. Take, for example, social media: according to the Pew Research Center, one in five people get their news from social media – more than from print newspapers (Shearer, 2018). And online news sites – which have been growing in popularity over the decade – are only second to television in popularity, which has been declining in use over the decade (Shearer, 2018). With news more accessible from a seemingly endless number of sources, the barrier of entry for anyone who wants to share something on the Internet seems to be virtually unlimited. While that might appear like a victory for free speech and freedom of expression, it can also be a double-edged sword when used for nefarious reasons. 

“Fake news,” i.e. false information that is presented as actual news using information and headlines written in a journalistic manner, but lacking the same journalistic integrity, credibility of sources, and editorial review, has become a problem of growing concern over the years (Lazer et al., 2018). More than simply presenting wrong information, it can be manipulated to prey upon human emotion – swaying the course of public opinion on vital public health issues such as climate change or vaccines, and even threatening the very fabric of democracy. For example, in the three months leading up to the U.S. Presidential election in 2016, the top 20 fake election-related news stories were shared more times and had more interaction than the top 20 true election-related news stories (Tsipursky et al., 2018). And fake stories that were pro-Trump were shared 30 million times, while false stories that painted Hillary Clinton in a negative light were shared 7.6 million times (Tsipursky et al., 2018). While it might seem that fake news is an issue primarily fueled by conservatives – and there does appear to be overlap between false content propagated by the Trump administration and Russian propaganda (Blake, 2020) – both liberals and conservatives are capable of partisan bias equally (Ditto et al., 2018). These statistics alone highlight a very serious problem: that fake news – both misinformation (false information) and disinformation (false information that is intentionally presented to mislead the viewer) – are being used as mental and emotional weapons against fair and free elections (Vosoughi et al., 2018). 

However, fake news cannot be written off as purely a cognitive or analytical failing, as tempting as that might be. Simply informing the public, via Snopes or other fact-checking sites, that content is fake news doesn’t appear to be enough. Not only is it emotionally laborious and time-consuming to fact check, at times it might make someone more inclined to push back and solidify their stance within their own view if they don’t trust these fact-checking sites. This can often happen within the framework of naïve realism – where one thinks they see the world from an objective perspective and anyone who disagrees must be ignorant, morally incompetent, or biased. Naïve realism is often coupled with a sense of self that is both fixed and morally justified in its beliefs (Ross et al., 2010). This is why it’s important that we, as a society, learn to identify fake news, understand the social psychology that makes it so popular, and take measured steps to help curb its spread. 

Using false or misleading news as a means to manipulate the minds of people and promote a nefarious political and social agenda isn’t necessarily new. One can simply Google “yellow journalism” to find examples during the turn of the 20th century of fake news, which thrust the United States into the Spanish-American War. However, with the advent of the Internet, and even more so, the popularity of social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter, these false stories are reaching people at rapid speed. Research indicates that false news travels at a faster rate – meaning it is shared more and receives more engagement – than true news; and false political news is often one of the fastest pieces of content that is shared (Vosoughi et al., 2018). 

Using data collected from news stories shared on Twitter between 2006 to 2017, studies show that false news typically elicits responses of fear, disgust, anger, and surprise, while true news typically elicits joy and trust (Paschen, 2019; Vosoughi et al., 2018). Research into strong emotions like fear and disgust indicates that this type of emotionally manipulative content can be more psychologically jarring and therefore make the reader more likely to sit up, take notice, and recall the information (Paschen, 2019). By preying on strong emotions such as fear, anger, and disgust, propagators of fake news don’t have to rely solely on AI bots in order to ensure that the fake news is spread – the adrenalized nervous system of collective humanity takes care of that. Fake news becomes an intellectual weapon that can cost lives, as in the case of needless war, climate change, and conspiracy theories claiming COVID-19 is a hoax. 

What makes people so vulnerable to fake news and the conspiracy theories they often spread? For starters, it appears that there can be a kernel of truth in conspiracy theories. One needn’t look further than the horrific experiments on Black men at the Tuskegee Institute, the unjust FBI sting against civil rights organizations like the Black Panthers during COINTELPRO, the ravages of McCarthyism, or the Watergate scandal to discover that the political, healthcare, and journalistic institutions that are supposed to have humanity’s best interest at heart often do not uphold the values they have sworn to protect (Van Prooijen & Douglas, 2018). It appears that this mistrust in mainstream media sources – often touted as the bar for journalistic standards – has increased, especially in the age where social media is now fast becoming a primary source of news. According to research, trust in mainstream sources of media was at an all-time low in 2016, with only 51% of Democrats and 14% of Republicans putting faith in reputable news sources (Lazer et al., 2018). 

This lack of faith in systems – often for justifiable reasons – can be used against people. One way this is done is by fostering a belief that puts certain people in an “in” group and demonizing or dehumanizing those in the “out” group, i.e. affective polarization (Van Prooijen & Douglas, 2018). By using a social psychological tool that further creates an “us vs. them” divide between people, it’s often easier to prey upon bias and prejudice to cause further discrimination against certain groups of people who are usually being exploited by the instigating party for personal gain or profit. The “in-group, out-group” tactic can also be used as a distraction from the underlying motives driving the instigating party’s false accusations. This can be seen in stark relief during the FBI’s COINTELPRO program. By instilling fear of Black Americans in the heart of white U.S. citizens, it blocked the progress being made by the civil rights movement and kept those in positions of power and privilege – usually white males – in their place. 

The pull of being recognized as part of the “in” group and even lauded as a leader within that group is also a driving factor in sharing fake news. Many people want to be seen as the first to discover content that is new or novel so they can get social approval in the form of likes or shares (Vosoughi et al., 2018). Unfortunately, this also means that people are less likely to slow down and actually take in the information and do due diligence to check the veracity of what they are sharing – further driving a wedge between “in” groups and “out” groups and setting the stage for groupthink, a concept where people blindly follow the overarching ideals and beliefs of group leaders (Ross et al., 2010).

In these instances, using Intergroup Contact Theory as a means for breaking down bias and prejudice can potentially help one be less susceptible to fake news that targets groups of people. The theory, first proposed by Gordon Allport, states that connections between seemingly disparate groups of people can often reduce bias and prejudice. The Robber Cave experiment also produced evidence that showed that if these groups of people are working towards a common goal, this can decrease bias and animosity even more (Sherif et al., 1988). 

But what if the fake news content or conspiracy theory doesn’t appear to be directly related to any “out” group? For instance, currently in the age of COVID-19 there are conspiracy theories abounding on social media suggesting that COVID-19 is either a hoax meant to instill fear in the population, making people more susceptible to mind control, or it’s a real bioweapon unleashed upon humanity so “deep state” officials can implant trackers on people via vaccine. Some theories even say that it’s a means to keep people in their houses so pedophile rings can continue to operate and Hollywood and social elites can harvest the adrenalized blood of children (Breland & Rangarajan, 2020). In these cases, the “out” group consists of unidentified boogiemen who are infringing upon personal rights and propagating pedophilia and human trafficking. 

This is a particularly nefarious tactic because the enemy is a faceless, nameless mass of people known as “elites” and the injustices being brought to light are, in fact, very real issues. The invasion of privacy came to light recently when news leaked that the National Security Agency (NSA) was illegally tapping the phone lines of U.S. citizens. Additionally, pedophilia and human trafficking are, unfortunately, societal and human rights issues that destroy millions of lives every day. Therefore, to speak out against fake news that appears to condemn such atrocities could make the one speaking against them appear as if they are in favor of the morally deplorable issues of privacy invasion, child sexual abuse, and human trafficking. 

This is when the social psychological notion of conformity works against revealing the truth. Normative social influence suggests that people will behave like other people in order to be liked (Cialdini & Goldstein, 2004). So, in order to look like a good person, one might be less likely to speak out against such content – lest they look as if they are in favor of certain unsavory practices. Additionally, informational social influence – which suggests that people look to how others behave in order to know how to behave – also provides insight into how easily one can be swayed against their own better judgment, as suggested by Solomon Asch’s experiments where people made decisions against their better knowledge (Ross et al., 2010).

However, research indicates that conformity might also come into play when it comes to helping curb the spread of fake news. Pennycook and Rand used data from populations ranking their trust in certain news sources and found that algorithmically up-ranked content – that is content that immediately rises to the top of news feeds because it comes from a more reliable source – could be a potentially effective way of drowning out the noise of fake news (Pennycook & Rand, 2019, PNAS). Furthermore, another study found that expert up-ranked content along with user up-ranked articles (but not necessarily user up-ranked sources) could help curb the spread of fake news, as readers might take the informational social influence cue from authority, i.e. expert up-ranking, and peers demonstrating what is socially acceptable, i.e. user up-ranking of articles (Kim et al., 2019). 

An anonymous user up-ranking system could also help counter the bystander effect, where large groups of people are less likely to take decisive action on something they see as wrong because they believe someone else will handle it or there is nothing they can do (Darley & Latane, 1968). In the case of up-ranking, a system is in place that encourages group participation and also would ensure anonymity, potentially making it feel safer to participate in publicly. 

One does also run the risk of backlash against up-ranking if there is already a severe mistrust in anything popular or publicly lauded. From here, the hindrance to ensuring that truthful news gets shared is usually confirmation bias, which is the tendency to only believe ideas and content that conform with one’s current world view (Ross et al., 2010). When one comes up against content that doesn’t necessarily conform to the bias, one can experience cognitive dissonance, i.e. an uncomfortable sensation in the mind and body when an opposing point of view comes up against one’s firmly held thoughts and beliefs (Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959).  

Some of the tactics one might use when they come up against cognitive dissonance might be to attack and defend, search for new and supporting information that confirms one’s point of view, and ultimately, change one’s attitude on a subject completely to avoid further dissonance – thus over time making them more less aware that there is dissonance in the first place (Taddicken & Wolff, 2019). 

In this instance, one might benefit from an intervention in public high school systems where cognitive dissonance is not only welcomed but also encouraged. This intervention could take the form of a required class that operates as a sort of “empathy debate.” From the outside, it might look like the opposite of a typical debate, where one is supposed to pick a position and then collect all evidence in favor of it. In this case, the practice could be to defend one’s position and then immediately afterwards, publicly defend the opposite position. It could be an exercise in open-mindedness – if not in an intellectual sense, at least perhaps from an emotional perspective as it can help a student understand psychologically and emotionally why the other side thinks the way that they do. It might also reduce the common cognitive dissonance reaction to attack and defend because the student has to remember that they will soon be defending all opposing points of view.

This “empathy debate” intervention would also be a key player in helping to sharpen one’s analytical skills. While social psychology and the power of the social media environment certainly play a huge role in the proliferation of fake news, research using a Cognitive Reflection Test (CRT) indicates that shoring up critical thinking skills can also gird one from being take in by fake news (Pennycook & Rand, 2019, Cognition). This intervention could partner with other analytical and cognitive approaches to the problem, such as digital literacy courses akin to the one at the University of Washington, Calling Bullshit, which focuses exactly on how to spot fake news in the media (Waldrop, 2017). 

Another way that this “empathy debate” could help reduce the proliferation of fake news is that it empowers individuals to seek out information and build resilience in the face of information that does not corroborate with what was previously thought. Indeed, that willingness to change one’s mind when presented with new evidence is how progress is often made. That feeling of personal empowerment and control over one’s mind and life is strongly correlated with reducing the tendency to believe conspiracy theories (Whitson et al., 2019). That is, promotion-focused thinking – a belief system that places value on growth, aspirations, and advancement – typically leads to less conspiratorial thinking than a prevention-focused mindset, i.e. one that places value on duties, obligations, and security (Whitson et al., 2019). 

Finally, the “empathy debate” could also serve as a way to curb fake news via the inoculation theory, which posits that hearing a smaller, slightly unbelievable fake news story first will help prevent further indoctrination with more egregious stories later – similar to how a vaccine inoculates one against physical illness (van der Linden et al., 2017). By actually hearing and addressing multiple perspectives on timely issues within a classroom setting, it can help a student be better prepared to think critically and react less emotionally to an issue when it’s encountered on social media. Because the issue – or at least some aspect of the issue – might also already have been addressed in the intervention, it could provide a preventive boost that can help protect one from being sucked in by misinformation or disinformation. 

But more than simply teaching people what fake news is, we as a society must also model how we address fake news and take a stand on combating it. Interventions such as the Pro-Truth Pledge, a public pledge that has a step-by-step code of conduct regarding sharing content, helps identify public figures, policymakers, and researchers who are committed to upholding a certain standard of truth and helps keep them accountable to their word if they misstep (Tsipursky et al., 2018). 

The Pro-Truth Pledge is more than simply a vote for truth; it is a living document that provides a clear plan of action for everyone, public figure and private citizen alike, to combat fake news (Tsipursky et al., 2018). The pledge includes addressing aspects of social psychology such as confirmation bias, since the pledge asks participants to share the whole truth – even the parts that might contradict one’s personal opinion. It also challenges the idea of naïve realism because those who sign the pledge vow to honor the truth someone else shares, even if one disagrees, and one must be willing to reevaluate one’s position and realign with the truth, if necessary. Finally, the pledge asks people to educate other people who might have incorrect information and even celebrate when someone – including oneself – changes a position or retracts a previous stance (Tsipursky et al., 2018). 

These potential solutions and interventions highlight the very important role that teachers and educators have in combating fake news. Teaching people the cognitive skills for spotting fake news and approaching a subject with an analytical mindset is important. But what’s becoming clearer is that teaching social skills is just as, if not more, important when battling fake news. Teaching empathy skills can help reduce bias and prejudice and possibly reduce risk of groupthink and inaction due to the bystander effect. Teaching emotional coping strategies is also vital, so one can learn to sit in the discomfort of cognitive dissonance when faced with conflicting data and build resilience if and when evidence becomes clear that a position is no longer valid. Empowering people in their lives so they feel a sense of ownership and control in how they live can also be a strategy for curbing fake news. And powerful leadership is also a good way to teach, as can be seen by those who are promoting the Pro-Truth Pledge.

Psychologists and researchers also play a role in helping to curb fake news. By understanding the social psychological issues that propagate the spread of fake news and alerting the public to these tactics, they can potentially inoculate the public against these tactics before they suck in people. Policymakers also play a role demanding accountability from major online platforms that allow this content to spread without check. Indeed, society is beginning to see more and more accountability from Twitter – which has suspended and deleted several accounts linked to sharing harmful fake content – and Facebook, which has started labeling false content and removing viral pieces that are blatant lies. While questions around free speech do arise in this context, this is where policymakers can start to parse out clearly what is and is not fake news and how to mete out proper repercussions when it is shared. 

While one could potentially track the very first piece of fake news all the way back to the first time a human told a lie, it’s clear that the Internet age is now creating an environment where fake news can spread rampantly like never before. While a lie can appear seemingly innocuous, fake news becomes a destructive weapon against human rights when in the hands of unscrupulous figures in positions of power, such as oligarchs, certain politicians and corporations, and billionaires looking to continue hoarding their wealth. While organizations such as the Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project and Global Witness are working not only to help identify fake news but also take down the organizations that are promoting it, we as individuals must continue to do our part to recognize fake news and call it out when we see it. For everyday people, understanding the social psychology behind what makes fake news so popular will help us do our individual part in helping curb its spread.

References

Blake, A (2020, June 9). The frequent overlap between Trump’s conspiracy theories and Russian propaganda. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2020/06/09/frequent-overlap-between-trumps-conspiracy-theories-russian-propaganda/

Breland, A. & Rangarajan, S. (2020, June 23). How the coronavirus spread Qanon. Mother Jones. https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/06/qanon-coronavirus/

Cialdini, R. B., & Goldstein, N.J. (2004). Social influence: Compliance and conformity. Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 591-621. doi:55.090902.142015

Darley, J. M., & Latane, B. (1968). Bystander intervention in emergencies: Diffusion of responsibility. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 8(4), 377-383. doi:10.1037/h0025589

Ditto, P. H., Liu, B. S., Clark, C. J., Wojcik, S. P., Chen, E. E., Grady, R. H., Celniker, J. B., & Zinger, J. F. (2018). At least bias is bipartisan: a meta-analytic comparison of partisan bias in liberals and conservatives. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 14(2), 273-291. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691617746796

Festinger, L., & Carlsmith, J. M. (1959). Cognitive consequences of forced compliance. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 58(2), 203-210. doi:10.1037/h0041593

Kim, A., Moravec, P. L., & Dennis, A. R. (2019). Combating fake news on social media with source ratings: the effects of user and expert reputation ratings. Journal of Management Information Systems, 36(3), 931-968. doi: https://doi.org/10.1080/07421222.2019.1628921

Lazer, D. M. J., Baum, M. A., Benkler, Y., Berinsky, A. J., Greenhill, K. M., Menczer, F., Metzger, M. J., Nyhan, B., Pennycook, G., Rothschild, D., Schudson, M., Sloman, S. A., Sunstein, C. R., Thorson, E. A., Watts, D. J., & Zittrain, J. L. (2018). The science of fake news. Science, 359(6380), 1094-1096. doi: 10.1126/science.aao2998

Paschen, J. (2019). Investigating the emotional appeal of fake news using artificial intelligence and human contributions. Journal of Product & Brand Management, 29(2), 223-233. https://doi.org/10.1108/JPBM-12-2018-2179

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Celebrate Valentine's Day with a FREE Blindfolded Dance guided meditation

how-to-increase-intimacy-blindfold-dance.jpg

I am thrilled to share a delicious Valentine's Day gift with you - designed to help you get into your body, surrender to pleasure, and foster intimacy. My partner, Gabriel, and I filmed a video meditation for creating a Blindfolded Dance. You can do this with your beloved, a friend, a first date, or even more than 2 people! 

Watch the video on YouTube now!

Blindfolded Contact Dance also got a sweet write-up in an online publication, OK Whatever. You'll learn more about the origin of the practice and discover 5 benefits of Blindfolded Contact Dance!

Read about BFC on OK Whatever!

Finally, if you are in the Bay Area on February 28, we are hosting a Blindfolded Contact benefit fundraiser for Movement Liberation - a program that offers scholarships to BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) dancers to attend BIPOC conscious dance events. 

Join us for Blindfolded Contact on February 28 to benefit Movement Liberation!

I've got so much more cooking up for you in 2020. Can't wait to share the goodness, so stay tuned ;-)

Much love and gratitude,
Candice

Getting Vulnerable with Beloved Festival - Podcast Interview

Photo by Sarah Thompson

Photo by Sarah Thompson

Honored to be featured along with Gabriel Diamond in this podcast interview by Beloved Festival about my role and experience as co-founder of Vulnerable Rally.

Listen to the interview here—> https://belovedfestival.com/news/interview-vulnerable-rally/

AND, if I may be vulnerable for a moment, at times I feel like my sign would say, "I often feel overshadowed in creative partnerships." Perhaps it's because Vulnerable Rally was initially Gabriel's brainchild; perhaps it's because my work is less "front and center" and more behind the scenes - writing, updating the site, managing social media, and organizing photos; perhaps it's because I'm a woman and not taken as seriously as my male colleague; perhaps it's because I get overwhelmed easily by people and noise and conversations and life - so I'm not as "out there" in the world as others; perhaps it's because my crippling perfectionism often keeps me in state of hide-rnation; perhaps it's a combination of it all or none of the above.

Whatever the reason (or non-reason), here I am now, sharing my thoughts via podcast on vulnerability, artistry, power, privilege, eating disorders, shame, sexuality, and more. I'm grateful Gabriel invited me along for the ride from Day 1 and trusted me with his creative baby. I am grateful to Beloved, who invited us to bring the rally to the festival in 2018 (special shout out to James Kapicka for recommending us!). I am grateful to Darshana Avila and Zahava Shannon O'Sullivan who lovingly and gracefully held space for the rally at Beloved in 2019, when Gabriel and I could not attend. I am grateful to Mikey Pauker who invited us to use Vulnerable Rally as a backdrop for the music video of his incredibly moving song, "Rise." I am grateful to everyone who ever attended a rally, wrote a sign, shared a post, or liked a photo. And I am excited to see where this work will continue to go and grow...

May we open our hearts more to be seen. May the healing balm of vulnerability reconnect us to our common humanity so we can have honest conversations of healing and repair - so needed these days.

In faith and vulnerability,
Candice

Slow down and return home - lessons from the fallow field

Photo by Sequoia Emmanuelle

Photo by Sequoia Emmanuelle

I had the honor of celebrating Winter Solstice last Saturday with several brave souls dancing in the dark. My partner and I led our Blindfolded Contact dance class in Port Townsend. We honored the wisdom found from the darkness within. We held space for the inner truth that arises when we stop seeking and simply slow down. We discovered the portal that opens between our inner and outer selves in times of hibernation. 

This space is a concept I've been calling "the fallow field" - and it's been a powerful teacher of mine in 2019. I often hear in esoteric and personal growth circles about the power of planting seeds, setting intentions, taking action, etc. And trust me - I am a big F*CK YES to all that. However, I don't think the fallow field gets nearly as much airtime as she deserves. 

The fallow field is a place of profound stillness. Quiet. No seeds planted or sprouting. Simply rest. It's the dark abyss from which deep wisdom emanates. It is the home of eros. But here's the catch - the moment you start to SEEK for this wisdom, you've already lost contact with it. It's the genius that arises while staring out of windows. It's the inspiration found in the quiet privacy of a shower. It's the free space created while hovering on the edge of a nap.

2019 has been a fallow field meditation for me. From the outside, this might not seem so obvious. I co-bought a house with my partner - a 6-month long odyssey! I traveled to the UK and co-taught blindfolded contact dance classes. I taught a half-day version of my workshop, Heal Your Relationship To The Feminine. I wrote a one-woman show that will debut in 2020 called Portrait of the Heretic as a Young Woman. I co-led monthly dance workshops in the Bay Area and co-led workshops at 4 festivals (soon to be 5). I worked with more clients this year than I have since I started taking on private clients in 2010. All this while maintaining writing gigs, a creative and romantic partnership, and a thriving dance practice.

And I nearly burned out. I had debilitating pain in my leg that lasted 6 months. I got a cold/flu that knocked me on my a$$ for nearly a month. And I hit points of exhaustion so intense, I was often too tired to get out of bed. What these lessons were teaching me was that my soul was craving REST. That I didn't need to be PRODUCTIVE in order to be a good person. That my creativity and purpose was - in fact - ENHANCED when I took some serious downtime. My medicine was a multi-night Netflix binge, afternoons of naps, and stretches of time WITHOUT writing (I know, this one was hard - because if I'm not writing, then do I really get to call myself an artist?).

So this Solstice, I invite you to slow down, release the addictive grip of perfectionism, return home to yourself, and find solace and rest in the fallow field. Don't worry, life will still be waiting for you on the other side. 

I'll be back in 2020 with renewed offerings, such as information about my solo show's debut and plans for day-long and multi-day dance events. But for now, I (and you) must rest.

The Starving Girl Today

Candice in August 2008

Candice in August 2008

I was not the starving girl today. Having put in a full day's work (plus dealing with this incessant heat for the past 3 days), I nonchalantly strolled into my local raw food spot for a well-deserved cacao mousse.

I haven't been the starving girl in a long time. Nearly 12 years have passed since I last measured that precious quarter cup of chickpeas, counted out those 12 raw almonds, or scooped up that half cup of non-fat cottage cheese.

I was not the starving girl today when I plucked the mousse from the fridge (already melting the moment I engulfed the plastic with my warm hand). I was not the starving girl when I sampled the cacao bar on display on the middle shelf. I was not the starving girl when I drank the free watermelon juice in the compostable paper cup.

However, when I went to pay for my delights, I found the starving girl. She reminded me of—well—me several years ago. Skin dripping off bony elbows. Sunken cheekbones beneath bulging eyes. Boyish clothes limply hanging over the outline of hollow hips.

Now to be clear, I can not say for sure if the woman I saw was anorexic. She could have a medical condition or be undergoing some treatment that is causing her to lose a profound amount of weight. Not all folx who are skinny have eating disorders and not all folx with eating disorders are skinny. So I can only speak to what my projection of her brought up in me.

I choked back my gasp as the cashier rang me up. Time passing with a tortuous slowness akin to a 6-year-old child waiting to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. I was caught between my desire to hold her, run away, or shake her awake by screaming, "Please, eat something!"

And yet, I know none of that worked on me. No amount of compassion, berating, or rejection could have helped. Only when I began to feel the pain of sleepwalking through a life as a spectral death wish did I make a 180 and confront my appetite square in the face.

Once I scrawled my signature with my finger on the iPad and grabbed my goods, I bolted out of the store and began sobbing—grateful for the large, movie star glasses that hid my tears. The most prominent feeling was shame, closely followed by regret. Shame that I had given myself over to mental illness for 7 years of my life. Regret that those years had been wasted in a prime period of my 20s. When most people are building careers and wealth, I was counting half-second sprays of Pam and placing my value on it.

It's easier to forgive yourself the years lost when you are in your 20s. It's much harder when you're pushing 40 and feel like this brain chemistry handicap still sits like a feral gremlin ready to pounce the moment you start to feel normal.

I'm crying now as I'm writing this. Feeling so much loss. Finding it hard to love that starving girl in me when I am confronting so much anger towards her during this phase transition from youth to middle age. Noticing the areas where I still shrink—my voice, my thoughts, my dance. The places in me where I am screaming with diminishment.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this today—except perhaps that it was through writing that I found the will to live 12 years ago. It was through art that my body felt safe to come alive. It was through dance and the exploration of eros where I discovered what I felt was more important than how I looked.

So I guess I'm just admitting that the starving girl visited me today. No, she doesn't run my life like she did so many years ago—but she still keeps residence in my body. And like Rumi suggests, perhaps this is an unexpected guest whom I must continue to welcome, entertain, and treat honorably. In fact, that might be exactly what the starving girl has been longing for all along.

My latest book, "The Heart Of Eros: One Hundred Haikus To Share With Your Beloveds" is available now!

Cover image by Sandy Diamond

Cover image by Sandy Diamond

I’m thrilled to announce the release of my latest book, The Heart Of Eros: One Hundred Haikus To Share With Your Beloveds. The Heart of Eros is a companion book to Reclaiming Eros: A Heroine's Journey. The haikus explore a range of erotic themes such as jealousy, obsession, shadow, devotion, prayer, and reverence. And like Reclaiming Eros, each poem is inspired by the author's own lived experience. Read them aloud to yourself or with someone (or multiple someones) you love!

Purchase your copy for print or Kindle here—> https://amzn.to/2ruiNrr




My book, "Reclaiming Eros: A Heroine's Journey" now available on Amazon

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The moment is here! 5 years in the making! I am proud to announce that my book, Reclaiming Eros: A Heroine's Journey, is now available for purchase on Amazon. Buy the book, leave a review on Amazon, and watch the (vulnerable) trailer down below. 

 

Order the book here: https://amzn.to/2zaecS2 Visit my website: http://www.theorgasmiclife.com/ Video concept based on (but not affiliated with) Clayton Cubitt's "Hysterical Literature": http://hystericalliterature.com/ ABOUT RECLAIMING EROS What is eros? How does eros relate to sex? How can archetypes guide one on the journey of reclaiming eros?

Screenings, Festivals, and Workshops (Oh My!)

Blindfolded-Contact--Surrendering-to-Our-Inner-Sight.jpg

Hello Orgasmic Life fans,

So much has been happening over the past several months. With all the flurry of activity, it's been hard to keep up! So here's the breakdown of all the places you can catch me over the summer (with more to come:

1. Join me at SoulPlay Festival June 7-10, where I will be co-facilitating Blindfolded Contact with Gabriel Diamond as well as teaching my own workshop, Heal Your Relationship To The Feminine.

2. The short film I wrote, Generations, will be playing at the Empress Theatre on June 14 in Vallejo, CA. More info can be found on the FB invite.

3. The music video I co-produced/co-directed with Gabriel Diamond, "Rise/Vulnerable Rally," will have its festival world premiere at the Dances With Films Festival at the Chinese Theatre in LA on June 15. After the screening will be a Vulnerable Rally

4. I will be co-teaching two classes at the Northern California Dance Collective's Summer Dance Camp June 15-24: Blindfolded Contact & Somatic Consent.

5. June 27 at 7pm I will be co-teaching Blindfolded Contact with Gabriel Diamond before Ecstatic Dance

6. June 29 Gabriel Diamond and I will be facilitating a 3-hour long Blindfolded Contact workshop in Berkeley, CA from 7-10pm.

7. My book, Reclaiming Eros: A Heroine's Journey, is nearing the finish line! Stay up to date by joining my mailing list.

More to come dear ones in the coming months...