I’m Married, But I Don’t Believe in “The One”

Photo: GettysGirl4260

Photo: GettysGirl4260

Originally posted March 26, 2014

I’ve never believed in “The One.”

Even as a Disney-obsessed kid, collecting every VHS cartoon I could find, I still didn’t believe in “The One.”

Even today, as I sit in my San Francisco apartment married to a man I convinced is my soul mate, I still don’t believe in “The One.”

I’m not a total cynic nor do I think that love always leads to heartbreak and that relationship is ultimately the death of sex and personal freedom and your own vitality.

I think that the notion of “The One” gets wrapped up in the erroneous belief that as soon as we find someone who loves us, all of our problems get solved and all our needs will always be met and we will never go hungry again.

Dude, if you put that much pressure on anyone, you are destined for disappointment and resentment.

Sometimes, “The One” isn’t just about a romantic relationship. How many times have we said, “If only I had that job/money/workshop/enlightenment/award/fill-in-the-blank-craving, then I would be happy.”

Stop looking for “The One” outside of yourself and recognize that YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for.

When you become the heroine of your own story, you become 100% responsible for your own “happily ever after.” You stop chasing this nebulous thing outside of yourself and being a victim of circumstance.

You also invite freedom, play and growth into your life. We often use “The One” to satisfy some personal insecurity that we aren’t worthy of love unless we have something outside of ourselves to reflect our lovability.

We also search for “The One” because we fear change and view it as a threat to our survival. We hope that “The One” will provide the stability we so desperately crave. Sorry kids, but that’s just not how life works. And thank goodness for that, for it is that static way of living which is the true culprit in the death of sex and personal freedom and your own vitality.

When you realize that “Happily Ever After” can often look like “What the fuck am I doing? Help me! I don’t know. Fuck it,” then you are more willing to accept every moment as an opportunity to enjoy the ride rather than check out of life on the hungry-ghost hunt.

So here’s a poem from my upcoming book dedicated to all the princesses who are slaying their own dragons, saving themselves and choosing to grow up into Warrior-Queens. When you live life as your own “One,” whole and complete, you walk into relationships not looking for Prince Charming, but for a mature man or woman ready to share an adventure yet-to-be written.

Fairy Tales


From your perspective

It must seem as easy as

Drawing the sword from the stone

Or soaring on a magic carpet

Or spinning straw into gold


But I know myself

Princesses only stay pure

Through obstinate abstinence


So you’ll find me in the gutter

Cigarette in one hand

Ice cream in the other

And marvel at how easily angels fall


But if you’re brave enough to climb my tower

(And make friends with the sleeping dragon)

Then don’t try to explain me

(Your tongue has better uses)

Strip off your armor

(Women aren’t won with steel)

And succumb to the tumbling embers

From the beast (no longer tame)

As you rouse beauty from her slumber

With a kiss of fairy flame


After all

(As Rilke says)

Perhaps all the dragons of our lives

Are princesses

Who are only waiting to see us


Beautiful and Brave

View this article on Elephant Journal