Men, You Get To Have Your Feelings, Too

Image Credit: visualpanic/Flickr 

Originally posted July 3, 2013

I recently experienced what some would call an emotional breakdown. The hippie, new-age Cali girl in me would prefer to think of it as an emotional breakthrough. But yeah, I had a breakdown.

Anger, unspoken desires, resentment, exhaustion, hunger—all of these conspired to create the perfect storm of matrimonial turbulence.

Until he finally held my shoulders, looked into my eyes and said, “You get to have your feelings.” Finally, the knot I had been gripping with all my arrogance melted. He had touched the sore place where love does not easily flow.

The welling tears spilled forth, and my shaking body, caught in the grip of deep climax, collapsed onto his chest.

I could trust this man because I know that in our relationship, he gets to have his feelings too.

♦◊♦

Men seem to be perpetually caught in a paradoxical mind-fuck which dictates that they must be the impenetrable ‘rock’ in the relationship. He can’t have any feelings or those feelings must take a backseat to his partner’s. This belief, while chivalrous in its roots, cripples intimacy.

The stoic and mysterious Don Draper may certainly be appealing for a night of sensual debauchery, but his relationship track record is pretty wretched.

To me, being a rock doesn’t mean that a man is bulletproof or fixed. A rock is a porous being. It absorbs the water just as much as it meets and holds it.

The rock is meant to symbolize constant presence. What that means is a man stays connected no matter what is swirling within himself or his partner. He remains open and permeable, mirroring his partner with equal amounts of honesty.

Vulnerability is the real strength. Someone willing to say what he feels while holding the space for his partner’s experience requires the utmost courage and willingness to stay firmly rooted in the moment.

When a man is permeable, he is truly feeling his partner and not simply dealing with him/her. The former breeds compassion and trust. The latter usually plays out one of two ways.

In the first, the man may completely detach from the experience. He essentially waits for his partner to ‘get it over with’ before he returns to the present.

In the second, the man may settle into the old game of  ‘son saves mommy’, leaving both parties completely disempowered as neither will take responsibility for his own experience. The focus becomes on finding someone to ‘fix’ and not on sharing experience authentically.

As woman, I want a partner, not a caretaker. A playmate, not a parent. Someone who is already whole, not depending on me to make him whole. When a man is in alignment and approval of his own inherent femininity, it opens the door for total, embodied masculinity (which is pretty damn irresistible).

So men, release the ‘handle-the-problem’ mindset and allow yourself to be penetrated. Your willingness to have your feelings allows me the freedom to share mine.

Open your heart. Ground into your cock. Breathe. Let your commitment to stay present remain unwavering and speak your truth. That is the real rock we are calling forth from you.

Article adapted from its original appearance via The Good Men Project

To Meat or Not to Meat: A Recovering Anorexic Contemplates Going Veg (Again)

“We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours, they are more finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other Nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth” ~ Henry Beston

I was a vegetarian for eight and a half years. Until I wasn’t.

During those years I was anorexic—then I decided I didn’t want to be anymore.

It’s been four and half years since I introduced meat back into my diet. I started with the big guns: the hamburger. Red meat (insert bloodcurdling scream here).  Then chicken. Then sushi. I wanted to face my fear of meat-eating and fat-gaining in order to disprove all the twisted theories I had about food and my body.

I also chose to eat meat because I hadn’t had my period for two and a half years. My acupuncturist “prescribed” it for me to get the iron and other minerals my nutrient-deficient blood so desperately needed.

In these recent years, I ate meat pretty much without a problem. I gained weight, my menstrual cycle returned and I started sleeping better. Over time, the desire for red meat naturally waned until all I was eating was white chicken and fish.

All that changes when I went to a recent meditation retreat. While sitting, I had the experience of deeply connecting to birds. As freaky as it may sound, I felt the angry and agonizing spirit of the animals and how disconnected we have become to them.

We “build” animals now like we make cars in a factory.

We view them as objects for our consumption. They are “other.” Not like us. We have forgotten that they too carry the mystery of life inside their bodies.

Of course, there are cultures where an animal’s sacrifice is honored and where the continuation of life depends on the gift the animal brings. But in these cultures, animals are not overbred and tortured simply for our own selfish needs.  These people take what they need in utmost gratitude and leave the rest be.

I struggled in silence as I sat with the realization of the horrors of factory farming. Birds injected with hormones until they are too fat for their brittle skeletal systems. Chickens confined to only 67 inches of cage space. Fish piled on top of each other in vats of their own excrement. Geese force-fed so we may extract their precious ‘fatty livers.’ Thousands of sharks pulled from the ocean and killed simply for a single fin, the ultimate ‘status food.’

Even animal products listed as ‘free-range,’ ‘organic,’ or ‘hormone-free’ are not exempt. Though they may not use any pesticides or hormones, many farmers still keep the animals in squalid conditions, burn or cut off their wings, feet and beaks and overstuff them with GMO-filled feed (or starve them so they will molt faster).

I recalled how much of the world’s resources goes into maintaining animal farms and noted that if we put those resources into renewable energy and non-meat based foods, world hunger and global warming might not be an issue.

I felt sick. Even as I sat with the arguments for meat consumption like getting enough B12 or we are naturally-born omnivores or animals “just taste good,” I knew inside my body, I could not eat the same way.

The next day, I pulled out my organic, free-range turkey slices. I put one in my mouth. I started to chew. Slowly and with very little pleasure. I had a second. And then I felt sick. My stomach rolled over and I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I haven’t touched meat since.

That was three months ago. In that interim, I’ve struggled with two sides of my conscience. One is obviously the newfound compassion towards animals, as I described above.

But the other is just as powerful: how I honest am I being with myself and my relationship to food? I have a fear that this pull towards vegetarianism is the first step on a ‘slippery slope’ back to anorexic thinking. One plagued by guilt and devoid of pleasure. I remember family dinners or parties where I knew meat was being served and lived in fear that people would discover my secret: that I was desperately hungry despite my cool exterior as I passed the plate.

The excuse was simple: “Health reasons.”

(Side note: please know that I am not insinuating that people who are vegetarian have eating disorders—this is simply how the disease showed up for me).

I want to feel alive and energized in my body. I want total vitality and orgasmic living. And eating meat was a huge part in helping me face my fears and reclaim my power.

Honestly, I don’t harbor any judgments about other people who eat meat. My husband eats meat and I love him just the same. How we live our lives and what we choose to put into our bodies is a very personal journey. One must go deep inside one’s moral, ethical and spiritual codes and discover what is right for her.

My goal in sharing my struggle isn’t to shame anyone for liking what she likes, nor to suggest that only one way of eating is the ‘right.’ Perhaps it is less about the fact that we eat meat and more the how we do it (often unconsciously and in a way that uses food as a buffer from feeling our emotions).

What I do want to do is foster a dialogue around our cultural relationship with food, animals, consumption, compassion and perhaps find solutions with how we can get in right alignment with what is loving and sustainable, both as a society and as individuals.

For me individually, that means abstaining from meat in this moment and continuing my inquiry into the nexus of spirituality, pleasure and nourishment.

And we continue to rapidly evolve, technologically and globally, as a culture and species, we must ensure that we do not lose our humanity and connection to each other along the way. We are unique in that we have the intelligence and cognitive capacity to choose how we’d like to evolve; which is what makes the following quote that much more potent and pressing:

“Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet” ~ Albert Einstein

Special thanks to my dear friend, August Schulenburg, for inspiring me to post this article.
Article adapted from its original appearance on elephantjournal.com

Pornography vs. Erotic Voyeurism

Image Credit: BaronBrian/Flickr

Originally posted July 3, 2013

“Suspense is like a woman. The more left to the imagination, the more the excitement.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Let’s be honest: like it or hate it, pornography is not going away any time soon.

It is estimated that the porn industry brings in $13 billion in the US alone and nearly $100 billion worldwide.

With accessibility going up (thanks to the internet) along with demand (thanks to a growing population and the sharp increase in women and couples who download porn), those numbers are expected to rise.

For those who have had porn addiction or who have been lovers with someone who was addicted, this can seem devastating. Men who regularly masturbate alone with porn are more likely to have problems connecting with a partner, either through premature ejaculation, impotence or an inability to feel emotionally connected with him/her.

Of course to completely demonize porn or attempt to ban it is not the answer either. This “sexual prohibition” will only amplify the cultural embarrassment we already feel around sex, and relegate the production of porn to an even seedier caste of society (is it any coincidence that I can download “Hot Chicks, Small Tits 4” on the same website where I can search for my mail-order Russian bride?). The fact that adult film stars are being denied bank accounts does not represent that porn stars are wrong for doing what they do, but highlights the social stigma around sexual pleasure and our collective fear that someone will “discover” our dirty fantasies.

I think it’s vital that we have a candid discussion around pornography, if nothing else than to get everyone out of the shame closet and admit that we all watch it!

Porn has affected many people’s lives positively. For some, it was the first place they saw people enjoying sex. That can be especially liberating for women, who may have grown up with the notion that sex is something they were obligated to do for men’s pleasure.

Porn can also be educational and shine an approving light on taboos. A man who previously felt that anal sex was not for him, may discover a hidden turn-on when he sees another man taking it from behind (and liking it!).

Finally porn can just be fun and provide the much needed playfulness and variety many couples need in longer-term relationships.

♦◊♦

I feel that porn limits us when we view it as the ultimate authority on sexuality. For those whose only sex education is pornography, sex must equal a penis entering a vagina, a big-busted women screaming as if she’s in the midst of an apoplectic attack, an impossibly endowed men pounding her like a jackhammer and both of them cumming (hard) at the same time, preferably with jiz everywhere (especially on her face).

Porn can also hinder the sexual maturity of men, as they become trained (á la Pavlov’s dogs) to lump orgasm, climax and ejaculation into one act. In reality, all three are separate physical phenomena and can be experienced independently.

Where our relationship to porn becomes especially devastating is when we confuse the business of pornography with authentic sexuality. Porn is built on filling people for the moment, but for the most part is nutritionally deficient. Sort of like the McDonald’s version of sex. Yet, even though we feel a little bloated from it all, we still have an innate hunger (addiction) to consume more. And that’s how most businesses work: in creating a product that people need over and over again.

Therefore sex becomes a commodity. A thing to be possessed. A trophy to be won. And many people who make porn don’t even care if you watch it, as long as you pay for the privilege of possessing it. Fast forward to the end. Grab it, spank it and go on to the next one.

◊♦◊

The antidote to sexual consumerism is something I like to call “Erotic Voyeurism.” In Platonic philosophy, “eros” (the root word for “erotic”) is defined as a kind of love that is a fundamental creative impulse with a sensual element.

I am especially fond of this definition because I believe it provides the extra sexual nutrition that is often lacking in pornography: a way of interacting with visual stimulation and orgasm that is about building energy and utilizing it towards creativity (as opposed to the “jerk it out as fast as possible” approach to which porn often caters).

I recently discovered a brilliant example of erotic voyeurism in Clayton Cubitt’s video art series, Hysterical Literature. In each video, a woman reads an erotic passage from literature while she is genitally stimulated with a vibrator under a table. The results are hilarious, sexy, intriguing, intelligent and, yes, super fucking hot.

We see each woman as a human, rather than a thing. We are invited into her world, rather than trying to stuff her into ours. We ride the wave of her authentic turn-on, which can go from nonchalance to surprise to slight embarrassment to delicious agony to ecstasy to joy to relief. We feel what she is feeling, which fosters empathy and compassion.

We also don’t see any nudity in Hysterical Literature. Because so much is left to the imagination the mind is invited to play and create. Oftentimes, in conventional pornography, we can feel desensitized to what is happening and crave bigger “hits” off the climax crack pipe because of porn’s intensely graphic nature. While this SEX-sationalism, may make for rousing entertainment once in a while, overuse can deaden the subtlety of our sexual palates.

Another site I found that exemplifies erotic voyeurism is called “Gentlemen Handling.” Here, men share with the viewer their own personal style and taste of self-pleasure. The site aims to share the “human-ness” of each of its contributors in a way that is “honest, attentive and reverent.” And although this site still focuses on climax, I appreciate the vulnerability, inspiration and diversity of masculine expression.

This is not to say that we can’t approach conventional porn with an erotic eye. I saw a recent interview on Sex, Lies and Consciousness where a young man said that when he watches porn he likes to see what emotions arise and feel them. Shame, inadequacy, connection, curiosity, horniness — all of it is valuable inquiry to him. I though this was a marvelous and mature way to explore one’s relationship with sex.

Below are ten comparisons of porn versus erotic voyeurism. Of course, not all porn is the same (as evidenced by the rise in feminist porn), and ultimately, it’s never about what’s on the screen, but about our mindset and the level of consciousness with which we engage it.

However, like food, some sexual “meals” offer more nutrition than others. And while a “Big Mac” fuck can be fun every once in a while, it’s important to balance that with a sexuality that is nourishing and fulfilling.

1. Porn tends to tell us what is sexy. Erotic voyeurism asks us “What is sexy?”
2. Porn tends to numb ourselves from the present. Erotic voyeurism brings us right into the center of the moment.
3. Porn often disconnects us from seeing the humanity of the people. Erotic voyeurism is a breeding ground for sensual compassion.
4. Porn thrives on consumption. Erotic voyeurism demands participation.
5. Porn relies on scripts and formulas. Erotic voyeurism is spontaneous and unpredictable.
6. In porn, it’s usually about the money shot. In erotic voyeurism, it’s about the connection.
7. Porn is fictionalized entertainment. Erotic voyeurism invites out our personal truth.
8. Porn often feels like one big clanging note. Erotic voyeurism is a multi-textured symphony of surprises.
9. Porn tends to focus on stimulating the genitals. Erotic voyeurism stimulates our entire being: mind, heart, soul and genitals.
10. 10.  Porn rushes towards climax. Erotic voyeurism savors lingering in the uncomfortable tension between wanting and having.

Article adapted from its original appearance on The Good Men Project

69 Vlogs in 69 Days

In the summer of 2013, I created 69 Video Blogs in 69 days to raise awareness for the Indiegogo campaign for my book, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism. Rather than creating 69 posts, I am simply posting the first video plus a link to YouTube playlist which includes all 69 videos. Enjoy! #69vlogs69days

YouTube playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqmFON9VOKvG5UJCZHAHM3vBxg8eYpaJF

STAY CONNECTED! You can sign up for my mailing list on my blog: http://www.theorgasmiclife.com Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/theolife Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/candice.d.hol... Twitter: http://twitter.com/candiceholdorf 69 Vlogs in 69 Days. I am writing a new book, "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism."

Good Hearted Toy Collector Has No Idea He's Playing with a Dildo

Originally posted June 11, 2013

Just a quick Tuesday note. I found this particularly hilarious, but not in a mean-spirited sort of way. Honestly, I absolutely adore Hendrik Ball's innocence as he shares some of the most wondrous "discoveries" in the toy industry. It's truly charming and hilarious at the same time.

Plus, once the kids are done playing, then it's mommy's turn for the fun! Enjoy!

SUBTITLES AVAILABLE These four novelty toy guns were all bought back in the mid 1980s - more innocent days as far as guns were concerned maybe. The first one was made by Vic's Novelties in the US. The soft rubber hand gun has a lead and a separate battery compartment.

Sex, Lies and Consciousness presents: Explosive Sexual Healing

Originally posted June 3, 2013

I had the great honor of speaking on a panel about my experience with Ben and Jen Rode, who are the founders of Explosive Sexual Healing, on Mai Vu's Radio Show, Sex, Lies and Consciousness. Watch the full interview below.

Panel discussion among women who have experienced female ejaculation through the work of Ben & Jen Rode of Explosive Sexual Healing. Show us some love with your generous sharing and liking of this video. www.ExplosiveSexualHealing.com Brought to you by Mai Vu of SexLiesAndConsciousness.com

I Got Married. Again.

Our awesome wedding. Photo by Shane Metcalf

Originally posted May 21, 2013

I got married. Again.

Something I vowed I would never do. But vows are funny things, you know. Life is constantly in a state of flux. What we vow one day gets flipped upside down the next. We either stay firm within them, or we shift with the tide.

So when the unshakable desire arose to love this man and commit to the unfolding partnership, I shifted too.

But when it came time for me to write my wedding vows, I found myself utterly stumped. Months went by. I thought the moment would magically arise and words would effortlessly overflow from my loving cup. Alas, I every time I tried to share what was in my heart, everything felt cheap and trite.

I reconsidered the whole notion of having vows. When I hear ‘in sickness and in health; til death do us part’, I think of fundamentalist, religious perspectives of the ‘proper’ roles of husbands and wives. Considering that I believe relationships can express themselves in a variety of ways, i.e. queer, poly and/or non-marriage based, this collection of antiquated aphorisms just weren’t my speed, nor did they inspire my writing.

Finally, in the shower, I had a flash in the form of a lyric from a medicine song that deeply binds me to my prayer.

I quickly wrapped a towel around me and dashed to my computer. Four lines squeezed out of me. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

The next day, our internet went down. We called the cable company. While my partner was testing the internet on my computer, he saw the beginning of my vows, which I had idiotically left open on my laptop.

I was back to zero. And this time, I felt even more hopeless. The crappy internet had destroyed my tiny shred of inspiration.

And that’s when I decided I would start as I always do: with the truth. I made the decision to just write what I was feeling in the moment. Every mental block and aggravation poured out of me.

And from this odd pile of brain vomit arose a simple truth: I was trying to vow in a way that wasn’t in integrity with who I was. I was looking for static promises that I knew would all set me up for failure.

Instead, what I discovered, was that this love was a moment to moment choice. How our relationship will look or what we will want in the future will naturally ebb and flow with the tides of our lives. But I can be certain that I will be a total ‘yes’ to whatever arises. And this ‘yes’, to everything—the blissful and the challenging—is the foundation of orgasmic marriage.

I share these words with you today in the hopes that they carry on the spirit of that prayer: to inspire and foster growth—for myself, my Beloved and everyone we meet.

CANDICE'S VOWS TO ADAM In a moment when a writer most needs her muse Words utterly fail me- Or rather they disappoint- They are but brief placeholders To the magnitude of love inside.

In a moment when a writer most needs her muse

Words utterly fail me—

Or rather they disappoint—

They are but brief placeholders

To the magnitude of love inside.

I remember within the first weeks of dating you

(During our emotional disarmament)

When I laid down my vanity and spoke

The ominous desire:

“I want to know what it’s like to be utterly devoted to a man.”

And so…here we stand.

Me: a woman

Just trying to figure it out.

You: the answer

To my every prayer.

This relationship has felt like a series of choiceless choices.

I can say ‘Yes’

And watch the most incredible miracles unfold--

Or…I can say ‘Yes’

Because you and I would never choose anything less than magic.

I choose connection over ‘being right.’

I choose vulnerability over pride.

I choose support for our growth over insecurity of my own inadequacy.

I choose celebration over manipulation.

I choose ‘more life’ over stagnant insulation.

I choose gratitude over resentment.

I choose play over ‘winning the game.’

I choose service to Spirit over selfish adoration.

I choose interpersonal freedom over fear-laden codependency.

I choose a pauper’s truth over a king’s ransom of lies.

“Oh my Beloved, you are always in my heart”

And this is my only prayer:

May our love be the foundation of our lives,

And an inspiration to each other

And to every person we meet.

I honor—and devote—myself to you,

Adam Gordon.

My partner in this world—

And every place

Beyond understanding.

Forget Coffee: Start Your Mornings with ‘Explosive Sexual Healing’

Ben and Jen Rode from Explosive Sexual Healing

Originally posted May 5, 2013

Explosive Sexual Healing: three words that would pique anyone’s interest.

When I first heard it, I was taken a little aback at the audacity of the name. I mean, Explosive? Really?

Maybe I’m a chronic skeptic. Maybe I’m a little jaded. Or maybe I’ve just had my share of guys promising ‘explosive’ nights of ecstasy, only to end up seven minutes later with cum on my shirt and an unpaid dry-cleaning bill.

So when the neon sign unapologetically flashed EXPLOSIVE Sexual Healing, all I could think was, “Buddy, you better deliver.”

What is Explosive Sexual Healing? According to husband-and-wife team (and founders), Ben and Jen Rode, it’s a “healing modality that empowers women through ecstatic states of full release G-spot orgasm.” Through clearing blocks in a woman’s sex, they also unblock her from having what she wants in the rest of her life.

The G-spot is typically known as this mysterious locus of pleasure (which may or may not have something to do with female ejaculation) to which only the lucky few have access. The Rodes work to educate women on their anatomy (yes, every woman has this power within her), as well as set the stage for her to experience the scope of her orgasmic potential: through coaching, intuitive tarot readings, reiki and (you guessed it) massaging the G-spot.

I can see the comments section filling up already in a chorus of dissent:

You mean some random dude is going to touch my girlfriend’s pussy?

That’s fucked up.

What if I fall in love with him?

That’s immoral.

Why would I let someone touch me ‘down there’ if I’m not going to marry him?

Isn’t that prostitution?

I don’t want to get taken advantage of.

On the one hand, the concerns are legitimate. In our current climate of sexual shame, secrecy and fear (especially regarding female desire), it’s no wonder we are confused. Religion says women should be honorable and loyal and yet Cosmo tells us we better know how to ‘rock his cock’ lest we lose our chances at capturing ‘the one.’

Men don’t have it much easier. They are taught to be ‘players’ and base their self-esteem on successfully bagging chicks, but only have porn, hookers and their 13-year-old awkward fantasies as a reference (no offense to a gold bikini-clad Princess Leia).

However, it is because of our limited education and attitudes towards sex (and not in spite of them) that the Rodes created Explosive Sexual Healing. Admit it: as much as want to think we are all sexual rock stars, most of us still have a lot to learn when it comes to our erotic potential. Just as professional mechanics specialize in cars or professional accountants specialize in finances, we must also learn to make space for professional sex workers who know how to skillfully work with our sex.

Ben Rode is one such professional. As a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he is trained in handling sexuality with the utmost care and integrity. As of now, this type of certification is legal in the states of California and Nevada.

He calls what he does ‘one-way touch’; that is, he touches the client’s genitals, but the client does not touch back. Ben never removes his own clothes and there are no other ‘strings’ that usually get entangled when we try to connect to pure, unadulterated orgasmic energy, i.e. romance, husband hunting, trying to impress, fear of looking ‘unladylike,’ etc.

Plus, Ben’s wife, Jen, is present and part of the healing process, thus making it psychologically ‘safer’ for many women to relax their ‘center of vigilance’, a.k.a. the reptilian part of the brain that keeps us in a state of fight-or-flight. When the center of vigilance is activated, women cannot enter a state of orgasm. Therefore, knowing that she is safe and well held is essential for a woman to tap into her orgasmic potential, which is why working with professionals is invaluable in this type of work.

The importance of what they do cannot be denied; and yet it’s also extremely cutting edge and goes way beyond many people’s comfort zones. Not only do they have to face cultural judgment around touching their clients’ genitals, but also they come up against antiquated and misguided definitions of orgasm.

Thanks to my training in Orgasmic Meditation, I had a broader experience of orgasm, but most people the Rodes meet have never considered the possibility that orgasm is more than just a 30-second crashing climax or that it could last one minute, five minutes, thirty minutes or even longer. Explosive Sexual Healing literally throws grenades both into our mental and physical paradigms of sexuality.

But Ben and Jen don’t see this as a deterrent. Beyond the ‘orgasmic’ appeal, Explosive Sexual Healing truly is about healing. In addition to being a Sexological Bodyworker, Ben is also a Certified Hypnotherapist and Jen is a powerful clairvoyant and Reiki Master. They think of their work as a ‘calling’ and believe that their ‘Twin Flame’ partnership, both in marriage and in vocation, serves the greater healing between the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine.

Don’t misunderstand me. For all the woo-woo talk, Ben and Jen are two people with their feet firmly planted on the ground. More than that, they are also in alignment with their own sexuality and have clear and firm boundaries within their personal relationship. Therefore, the boundaries they have with their clients are some of cleanest and healthiest I have ever experienced.

From the moment I walked into their home, I knew I was in a place where I could surrender.

Over time, I had come to know Ben and Jen as genuine and loving people with a message similar to mine: sex and pleasure are our birthrights and what the world desperately needs are sexually empowered queens stepping into their greatness and sharing their gifts.

I threw my expectations out with the rest of my vanity and lay my naked body on the table. Ben proceeded to oil my legs and back and gently worked the muscles that held tension. Jen floated her hands over my body, performing reiki.

As the minutes passed, I felt myself sink into deeper levels of relaxation.

Finally the time arrived. Ben put on his gloves, lubed up fingers and requested permission to enter me.  I granted him access. He slipped in two cool fingers and slowly began to pulse the spongy area above my pubic bone. It wasn’t long before I felt an urgent swelling suckle his fingers. Jen reminded me to connect the softness of my heart with the nuclear power plant growing in my genitals.

As per Ben’s instructions, I began to stroke my clit while he supported my legs and kept the pressure building inside. He told me to go to the edge of climax but stressed to not go over. He let me know that soon we’d be going into the first orgasm. I nodded my head, face dripping with sweat and pussy swollen with blood.

I released my clit stroking, barely hanging onto the orgasmic edge. I opened my throat, bore down onto his fingers and spread the energy down.

At first, I felt a widening sense of being, like hanging in the air, followed by a strange disconnect between my body and me. I looked down. Out of the rumbling pile of bones that I identified as ‘my body,’ a warm, sweet-smelling stream of liquid flooded his hands, the sheets and my legs.

The scream ebbed from my lips and shifted to a stunned, “Oh.”

In my sexual life, I’ve had dribbles or the occasional squirt. But I had never seen a river of that magnitude flowing from between my legs.

I laid my head back and started crying.  I felt I had been initiated. All the stories you hear about the power of a woman, the Source of Life, the Great Void, L’Origine du monde, all suddenly made perfect sense.

“Are you ready to go again?”

“More?!” I thought.

We started again, building the orgasm to an unbearable peak and this time I bared down even more, committed to extend to the edges of my capacity. Again, jets of fluid misted over us. I was stunned at what had been building (or should I say stagnating) inside my body all these years.

He asked once more if I wanted to stop, but I knew I had one more peak to go. This child inside demanded to spread her legs freely and I knew she had not yet quite been birthed. The labor built up to the highest peak yet. And when it came time to surrender into absolute, a spark shot from my clit to his fingers and spread into the most heavenly agony imaginable. Never wanting it to end and wondering if I had the strength to take another moment.

I convulsed on the edge of light and dark. Heaven and earth. Ethereal and chthonic. The veils lifted and inside was nothing…and everything.

At the end of the final release I fell back and started laughing. Endlessly laughing with wicked, wild, wet abandon. The orgasmic joke overtook me and one hilarious and dangerous truth emerged: this was only the beginning.

Ben pulled his fingers out of me. They stepped out of the room. I inhaled and surrendered into the sopping sheets, afterglow washing over my newborn body.

So, does Explosive Sexual Healing deliver? Yes. In more ways than one.

If OMing is like brushing your teeth, then Explosive Sexual Healing is like going to the dentist.

After the session, I found myself flooded with life. I was glowing and wanted to share my turn-on, as well as integrate and metabolize the energy. I took a yoga class, walked for 30-minutes through the Mission and went out dancing for three hours before collapsing into my lover’s arms that night.

Who needs coffee when you’ve got orgasm?

Think about all the little addictions we have to escape taking responsibility for our power: caffeine, alcohol, shopping, hard-n-fast sex, television, sugar, etc.

Or imagine the money we spend in endless therapy sessions, plastic surgery, punitive gym classes or pointless fashion magazines in the vain attempt to attain ‘perfection.’

What orgasm teaches us is that the nourishment we seek resides inside of us, and can never be found no matter how many ‘hot sex tips’ we learn or how many doughnuts we stuff inside our souls. And this orgasmic nourishment is a bottomless resource we can tap into anytime. All we have to do is say ‘yes’ to our pleasure and surrender to her wisdom.

As for the name? Well, according to the Rodes, ‘Sensual Hypnotherapeutic Release’ was too long for a web address. Plus, ‘Explosive Sexual Healing’ is simply one URL no one ever forgets.

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Email Ben Rode at Ben@ExplosiveSexualHealing.com for more info.

Website: http://www.explosivesexualhealing.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ESHealing

Expanding Your Pleasure Container

Originally posted April 5, 2013

Most of us have a love/hate relationship with abundance.

We talk about how we want more: more money, more time, more love, more creativity, more intimacy, more sex.

But when the moment comes to receive ‘more,’ most of us are quick to hit the eject button.

We may give in to sabotaging voices:

I’m too old/ugly/poor/fat/uneducated

I don’t deserve it

I don’t have enough time

I have too much responsibility

I don’t want to look greedy

Or we may go on ‘energetic shopping sprees,’ quick to ‘spend’ our abundance on ‘empty-calorie’ treats that prevent us from feeling our power: shopping, sugar, drama, hard & fast sex, television, alcohol or any other number of addictions.

Or we may numb out, restricting our ability to feel pleasure.

Or we simply run away and shut ourselves off from even recognizing that the universe is, right now, offering us abundance beyond our wildest dreams.

I know. I was one of those women.

As an anorexic for seven years, I know the torture and guilt that come with trying to do things ‘the right way.’ The way that wouldn’t make me look ugly or selfish or (god forbid) hurt someone’s feelings.

I had traded my sex and hunger for a life of ‘safety.’

And not without reason.

The fact is, a woman in her power is an awesome (and frightening) force! A hungry woman is often shunned and called a bitch. A full woman is often feared, called a whore or (in more brutal times) burned at the stake. 

So we women live in this constant state of ‘crazy’: knowing we are hungry, but not knowing for what and living in terror of admitting just how bottomless our desire is.

We’ve never been taught how to stand on our own and walk beside men in life. We only know how to trail behind or crush them with our angry stilettos.

It wasn’t until I released the fear of my hunger and befriended her that I found that she was the one leading me to my desire, a.k.a. soul nourishment.

I came to know, accept and take responsibility for my sensual pleasure. I began to see men as friends (not saviors or enemies). I discovered myself in relationship to my highest self—not in relationship to what would win me awards, attention or praise.

Cultivating orgasm was key to this transformation—and I don’t mean orgasm as that crashing thirty seconds you hope will make an appearance in your sex every once in a while. I mean orgasm as the breathing, pulsing life force that births every moment. Orgasm that fills me up and fuels me to my highest purpose.

Imagine you are thirsty, but you go to a lake with only a thimble. That’s not a vessel big enough to slake your thirst. You need to get a bigger container to carry the water!

The same is true of anything you want more of in your life. We need to create bigger containers within ourselves to hold our abundance and that starts with pleasure—learning to expand our capacity for orgasm.

One of my favorite ways that I practice receiving is Orgasmic Meditation. Another is to keep a desire/pleasure journal. You can also volunteer for an organization that touches your heart (this is known as ‘being of service’). Or make a gratitude list every day of ten things for which you are thankful.

A deeper inquiry is to notice the places you are stopping yourself from feeling pleasure—if someone compliments you, do you immediately take it down a peg (“oh, I’m not really that great”), or do you simply receive it and say “thank you.”

Any sort of sabotaging voices, martyrdom or self-punishment is also a one-way ticket to Thimble-ville.

So put pleasure on the top of your to-do list and CELEBRATE your life Your gifts. Your body. Your sensuality. Your desire. Your hunger. Everything.

They are all a part of your magnificence—and are vital tools on the journey to the abundance you deserve. 

The Art of Domination

Originally posted January 30, 2013

View this article on The Good Men Project

In a society that emphasizes the value of ‘dominance,’ I’ve noticed a significant dearth of men who are actually skilled in this art.

I don’t intend to blame or emasculate nor do I mean to imply that it is always a man who dominates and a woman who submits. There are a significant number of cases where a woman tops a man, a man tops another man, a woman tops another woman or any variation of gender fluidity in between. Domination has more to do with the quality of one’s energy than the genitals between one’s legs.

However, since domination is a role that requires a more masculine set of skills,  we often see men take the ‘dominant’ role in carnal play.

As a woman who has spent most of her sexual life on the bottom, I consider a skillful dom to be nothing short than a gift from God. I will bow before the throne of this man. I will kiss his feet, offer my unending devotion and surrender all that I am at the altar of him.

So why does it seem that, in the (almost) lament of Flannery O’Connor, a good ‘dom’ is hard to find?

In a word: humility. Or lack thereof.

What is typically described as ‘dominance’ actually stems from reptilian-minded, scarcity-driven thinking, i.e. kill or be killed. Men’s compulsive acquisition of status and competitive one-upmanship are masks hiding deep wounds surrounding their disconnect from the feminine and confusion about their own authentic masculinity.

We’ve seen the stereotype: men craving bigger, better, faster cars and younger, blonder, sexier women in order to feel ‘on top’ in the world. Cream the competition. Leave no prisoners. Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Feelings are for pussies.

So if dominance is the ‘prize,’ than anything that is not, i.e. ‘submission,’ is viewed as ‘the loser,’ ‘less than’ or ‘beneath.’

However, nothing could be further from the truth. Feeling is essential in domination, vanity is poison and submission is considered the ‘power position.’

Think less like a lizard and more like a sculptor: there is the clay, the artist and the sculpture within. Contrary to what may appear to be happening, the sculptor is not ‘controlling’ the scene, nor is he ‘better than’ the clay or the sculpture within. The sculpture determines the next stroke and the clay relays this message to the sculptor’s hands.

The same applies in power play. Desire, or that which yearns for expression, channels orgasm through the submissive to the dominant.

Therefore, though dominance is a role requiring strength and solidity, it also includes humility, respect and ‘beginner’s mind.’

Anyone can Google ‘Shibari,’ ‘Spanking’ or ‘How to Get Her Off’ to learn a variety of techniques for sensual play. But tools are not enough. One must learn the language of the feminine, and totally surrender himself to her desire, in order to dominate like a master.

The following is a guide for unleashing your inner dom (note: for this guide, I use the term ‘Her’ in reference to ‘Submissive’, with an implication that the Dominant is a man. As I mentioned before, there are a variety genders playing both roles, but for the purposes of easeful distinction, I am using the heteronormative language):

1.    Know Thyself. Are you truly looking to dominate? Or are you donning the dom mantle in order to enroll someone to dominate you? This can often be seen in ‘tit-for-tat’ scenarios, i.e. ‘if I do you a little, will you do me in return?’ As I have stated before, our society often views submission as ‘weak,’ so it is no wonder men would feel embarrassed by submissive desires. Be braver than that; admit what turns you on and go for it.

2.    Be of service. A dom is overflowing with generosity. Just as a massage therapist is in service of his client or a restaurant server is in service of her patrons, so must you be in service of your submissive’s desire (even if she can not yet articulate it). Have their favorite foods on the fridge, sensual music playing and warm lighting in the space. Put care and attention into creating your scene.

3.    Choose your partners wisely. If your turn-on is rope work and hers is daddy role-play, you may not be a good match for each other (no matter how hot she is). You don’t see Michael Jordon riffing on a guitar or Carlos Santana shooting free throws. This doesn’t mean you can’t expand your repertoire or have a variety of kinks. But by being honest about your desires, you will more easily attract play partners suited to your tastes.

4.    Communicate, communicate, communicate. Speaking of desires, it is imperative that you lay your cards on the table and invite her to do the same. Ask what her what turns her on. What edges would she like to push. Does she have any requests. Any injuries. Any boundaries or ‘Hard No’s.’ Any STDs. Choose safe words. If you have a question, ask and get her consent on anything that feels ‘iffy.’ This is vital to the safety and sanctity of play.

5.    Let go of the goal.  Again: let go of the goal. One more time: Let. Go. Of. The. Goal. I know it can get exciting when things get wet and juicy and you want that big BANG to reassure you that you are doing a good job. But nothing kills a scene faster than pushing for a result. She will either get angry that you aren’t feeling her or obliged to perform a certain way so as not to hurt your feelings. Remember, the art is in connection, not perfection.

6.    Connect your heart to your cock. Yes, a sub wants to feel your animal, but she also wants to feel loved. Oftentimes men will sacrifice one for the other and we end up with a room full of ‘nice guys’ and ‘assholes.’ You certainly don’t have to be ‘in love’ or life partners, but you must empathize with her and stay connected to both your power and compassion.

7.    Harder and faster doesn’t always mean better. In most cases, it’s a disguise for losing connection with your partner. You must be willing to go painstakingly slow—so slow that even she can’t stand it—in order to build the kind of energy for deep, erotic play. In the same vein, whacking her hard won’t necessarily open her either. Think of the more intense strokes as peaks of the experience, rather than blasting the scene with the same loud note. As I like to say, the feather sometimes is mightier than the flogger.

8.    Be a rock. She has to know in her body that you have her no matter what. If you are only 99% present, she will feel it and won’t feel safe enough to open. Be a 100% solid rock for the tempest of her desire.

9.    Be vulnerable. That being said, you must also be receptive to her. You must feel her experience and ride her wave. You must know your own pain in order to consciously inflict it and know your own pleasure to revel in hers. Your vulnerability also invites hers out, which is essential for orgasm to arise.

10.  Hold, not control. Again, this hearkens back to the letting go of the goal part. You are simply holding space for her opening. The impulse to ‘control’ will cut you off from feeling the next right stroke.

11.  Be willing to sit in the unknown. If you’ve stopped feeling her, chances are she’s stopped feeling you. Stop. Breathe. Reconnect. Sit in the unknown. And allow desire to take the reigns.

12.  Keep it simple. Don’t try to use every toy or get into every position. To dispel the myth about BDSM, it isn’t all whips and chains and leather and pain. You don’t even have to get naked. A scene can be as simple as a blindfold and a bowl of strawberries. Art isn’t just knowing what to express; it’s also knowing what to edit.

13.  Keep it safe, but don’t protect her. You want to keep the space safe for expression, but don’t make the mistake of protecting her from her orgasm. It’s raw, real and wild. Remember: solid as a rock. Get big enough to hold all of her, but don’t buffer her experience because of your own discomfort.

14.  Do not take responsibility for her orgasm. Yes, be responsible for yourself. Yes, be responsible for the care of someone who is entrusting her mind/body/spirit to you. But don’t take on her work and yours too. Otherwise you will feel angry, resentful and obligated to ‘make something happen.’ Your job is to feel the orgasm through the conduit of her body. It’s up to her how much she wants to open to what’s inside her.

15.  Claim her. Not too get all Harlequin romance novel on you, but this is an important point. In a recent bondage workshop I attended, the instructor demonstrated a hair pulling technique that beautifully illustrates ‘claiming.’ When she pulled the hair up and out, it felt yanked out of my skin and like she was taking something from me. When she pulled the hair down and in, it dropped me deeper into my body and closer to her, as if she was saying with her actions “You are mine.” Through this unwavering declaration, I was more willing to submit.

16.  Breathe. Oftentimes, when the energy gets high, we hold our breaths. Remember to breathe, let the energy flow, which will in turn relax her even more into her orgasm.

17.  Touch her in a way that feels good to you. Imagine you are petting a cat. You aren’t petting the cat for a result or to try to get something from her. You pet the cat because it feels good to your hand. A sub is the same way. If it feels good to you (and you are fully present with her), then she’s probably purring with equal delight.

18.  Have a sense of humor. Poop happens. Pussy farts happen. Banging heads happen. Don’t take it all so seriously. Be willing to laugh and roll with the punches. And then move on.

19.  Ride the edge. A skilled dom can feel their sub’s threshold and go just one step beyond. This is the sweet spot of dynamic tension. One step too far and the scene climaxes too quickly. One step too short and it never builds enough steam to take off.

20.  Aftercare. Most people think of ‘climax’ as the most important part of play. For me, it’s aftercare, which is the process of ‘coming down from the high’ and reintegrating back into the world. Aftercare is a process often overlooked, but vital to the health of your relationship. A good comedown has your partner feeling relaxed in absolute trust and allows her to stretch further in future scenes. A bad one has her feeling abandoned with her guts hanging out and not likely to play with you anymore. Hold her. Caress her. Wrap warm towels around her. Bring her fresh water and hot tea. Share peak moments from your experience with each other. In these gentle moments, you lay fresh ground for new connection and deeper intimacy.

21.  Bring it. All of it. Your fear, your courage, your prejudice, your brutality, your softness, your warrior, your wounded little boy and your dirty old man. Sex will quickly highlight all the facets of your soul that have remained in the shadows and the more you hide them, the less your sub will trust you. Be confident. You are who you are. Own it.